I am very pleased to learn that Mr. Jim Curley of Bethune, South Carolina has announced his intention to run for president in 2012. At last, a candidate I can support with enthusiasm! I look forward to learning more about his platform in the coming weeks. In the spirit of doing my civic duty (and possibly giving myself a raise), I’d like to offer my services to Mr. Curley as a speechwriter. I’ll even throw in the first speech for no charge – the one announcing his candidacy. This one is tailored for a third party run in the present election, which should be good practice for 2012.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I come before you this evening to announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States of America. I will be running as a third party candidate under the newly formed Christian Liberty Party. My candidacy is the result of a national crisis. Our national values have degenerated to such an extent that our social fabric is disintegrating.
The most shameful element of our cultural decline is our continued toleration for abortion. Even with the developments of modern technology, in which the humanity of the unborn child can be known beyond any doubt, the child in the womb remains shamefully unprotected in the United States. It is impossible to tolerate abortion without hardening our hearts and becoming indifferent to the value of human life, and indeed that is what we see happening all over this great land. It is time to end legal abortion in the United States of America – once and for all. My administration will explore every legal means of so doing. Until that is accomplished we will implement an all-out propaganda war against abortion in every department, every agency, and every venue at our disposal. This will include a generous budget for advertisements on television, radio, and billboards across the nation. State and local governments and schools will be heavily incentivized to do the same.
Many Americans no longer have confidence in marriage and the natural family. Divorce, cohabitation, and illegitimacy have shattered the security of our nation’s children. The Christian family has always been the heart of our civilization, and without its civilizing influence our nation is fast descending into barbarism. It should be the policy of the United States government, first of all, to remove every obstacle and disincentive to the flourishing of the natural family, and second, to incentivize traditional marriage and child-rearing among our citizens. The regulation of marriage should be left up to the states. However, insofar as the federal government is required to recognize marriages and the rights that belong to marriage, there is much that can be done on the federal level.
We are a nation saturated in pornography, which has become one of our biggest industries – a $15 billion industry, if you can imagine that. Our laws have given free reign to a predatory gang of criminals who specialize in destroying families and ruining individual lives. They attack the innocence of our children at ever earlier ages. Let these monsters be put on notice: you will no longer be able to hide behind the First Amendment under my administration. The production, distribution, and possession of smut will once again be recognized across the land for the crimes that they are. You will be pursued, prosecuted, and if I have my way, incarcerated for life.
Radical feminism and multiculturalism have become the official ideologies of big business and government at every level. Those who openly practice the most vile perversions have become a favored class: everything is now organized around their sensibilities. Dissent from this regime is usually punished, and members of unfavored groups are often subtly persecuted. It is time to free the American people from the tyranny of political correctness. It is time to end the affirmative action and diversity programs that are, in reality, thin disguises for bigotry. It is time for the federal government to lend its support, instead, to the Christian cultural norms that were established by our fathers. Let every business, agency, and institution be free to hire, promote, and dismiss whom they will, according to traditional standards of justice, decency, and old-fashioned common sense.
Our once vibrant local economies are today being undermined by cheap imports and huge corporate conglomerates. Our manufacturing base continues to shrink and migrate overseas. Our economy is awash in useless, wasteful products and services that do not provide anyone with meaningful work. It is now impossible to escape the ocean of vulgar and immoral advertising that constantly assaults our senses. Few men today earn wages sufficient to support a family in decent surroundings, leaving children increasingly vulnerable to harmful influences and parental neglect. Our continuing dependence on foreign oil and fossil fuels threatens an unimaginable future catastrophe. My administration will work to promote strong regional economies, which is the only solution to our over-dependence upon petroleum products. We must also reduce our reliance on cheap imports and foreign trade. We must fight for a revival of small farms and businesses which alone are capable of giving American families the highest degree of independence. Our republic once boasted of an economy in which hard-working mechanics, janitors, barbers, and warehousemen could own homes and support their families with one income – but those days are a distant memory, thanks to an economic culture of greed and exploitation. A decent family wage must be restored to the working men of America.
I am here to tell corporate America that profitability and the “bottom line” is not enough. Your responsibilities do not end there. You are members of a community, and you have obligations to that community, just the same as any private citizen or individual. It would be better for everyone if you reformed yourselves – but if you will not, be prepared for unwelcome interventions.
Our public schools have become socialist hell-holes riddled with violence, cruelty, drugs, pornography, and every kind of vice. When our public school students are not dodging bullets, they are being indoctrinated in anti-Christian and anti-Western ideologies. In many places public school campuses have come to resemble maximum-security penal institutions. Local school boards – harassed and intimidated by federal laws and mandates and dependent on federal money – feel helpless to address these problems. They seem to have no freedom to act in their own interests. Federal involvement in primary and secondary education is neither constitutional nor effective. Under my administration the Department of Education will be strictly advisory. All mandates, and all funding, will cease immediately. States will be encouraged to adopt voucher systems in which home-schooling and parochial schooling are privileged beneficiaries. Let’s break the government education monopoly and return this important task to parents and the communities in which they live.
Our government is embroiled, once again, in foreign wars with no end in sight. We have lost 4,000 Americans since the invasion of Iraq five years ago. That’s bad enough. What is infinitely worse is that over 1.1 million Iraqis have been killed as a result of the invasion. Think about that for a minute … 1.1 million people, dead, as a result of our invasion of Iraq. How many of these, one wonders, were actually terrorists who threaten the United States? Most of us can’t even get our brain around the horror of this magnitude of killing, never mind the suffering of the wounded and of those left behind, or the soul-destroying hatred left in its wake. And yet the threat of domestic terrorism is real. We seem paralyzed and unable to imagine any response to this other than endless war on the other side of the planet. The solutions, however, are within our reach.
My administration will end this terrible war and bring the troops home. Our troops will be replaced by a corps of advisors and engineers to assist Iraq in rebuilding, so long as they are safe and welcome, which admittedly is in doubt. The so-called “war on terror” will not cease: regimes who pose a genuine threat to the United States will be dealt with. But American foreign policy will no longer be dictated by the availability of cheap oil, the geo-political interests of foreign governments, or fantasies of exporting American-style democracy to populations who have no capacity for it. On the domestic front, all potentially Islamist immigration to the United States will cease. The production, dissemination and possession of Islamist literature and propaganda, in all forms, will be criminalized and prosecuted. Whatever the merits of Islam may be, it is a religion that inexorably breeds alienation and violence in Christian lands – and that is not something that we can afford to encourage or promote. These simple, bloodless, non-violent steps will do more to prevent domestic terrorism than another five years of bloodshed in Iraq.
America is a land of immigrants, and for this reason she has a generous and sympathetic disposition towards immigrants from every nation. It is impossible for an American to be hostile to the needs and aspirations of immigrants. But today we are at a cultural crossroads. In the past we had a broad cultural consensus, worthy of the immigrant’s respect and admiration, and which provided many gentle incentives to assimilation. Today that is no longer the case. Americans themselves have forgotten who they are, where they came from, and the cultural treasures they have inherited. Having rejected our own patrimony we can hardly share it effectively with immigrants. We need time to restore what we have lost – to rebuild a confident American culture beyond the vulgar distortions of consumerism, materialism, and radical individualism. Large scale immigration, therefore, is a luxury for better times. Today we need an immigration “time-out” of indefinite duration. It is essential that we rebuild our civilization from its foundations, thereby giving the immigrants we already have something noble to admire and to adopt, for themselves and their children.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great task before us. None of the leading candidates are willing to address the real problems we face as a nation. If elected, they will not substantially alter the path we have been traveling – a path that will quickly be the ruin of our nation. But it could be that Americans are tired of their platitudes, flattery, and feel-good rhetoric that only serves to obscure. It could be that Americans want a president who will tell them the truth, and act upon it. It could be that Americans want a president who will act on principles higher than the latest opinion polls. If you are such an American, I ask humbly for your vote in November.